Tragic But True

"“If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”"

To simplify the above statement, We were not meant to be darling.

<3 

Long time no see?

I just had a quick skim through my blog. Its been a long while since ive bothered to update

this. Well that's not completely true, its just been a while since ive been able to actually 

sort out how I feel about my self. In order for me to be able to actually efficiently organize my thoughts, feelings, and vices in a coherent and orderly fashion. 

Truth is I had forgotten why I had made this originally. I'm happy I was able to read over 

the text which had typed. It was refreshing to see past thoughts and feelings that I had

populate a small space on the internet in the form of computerized charachters. 

It's good to be back. Its good to remember why I'm with none of those woman I fell in love 

with. Well not in "Love", more or less infatuated with.  For now I still have some things that I 

need to work out. After that then I think I'll be ok.

Should it be left in the past?

Has something from your past come back to haunt you.

Nothing bad of course just an incorrect decision which you wish that you 

could change.  Under the same or different circumstances in order for the events that took 

place to be changed, altered, to be different. I suppose this is what 

a well educated person would name this feeling "regret". Yes, I have some regrets as most of 

us probably do. But this one is something that ill have no choice but to live with. Bite my

teeth as hard as possible, look forward and move on. I miss you, so dearly. I miss calling you,

I miss talking to you, I miss holding you, I miss the very thought and reality of having you.

I still love you,

I Still Feel You.

Dying for something people call "Hope"

I want to succeed, I want to be happy

I want hope, ive already grown tired of being sad and as well

as being alone. Im so exhausted with my very well being.

Im frustrated with my self to no limit.

Sadly I do know that only i can actually help myself.

Only I can pull my self out of this deep crater.

Only I can give myself happiness.

Only i can give myself Hope. But theres only on question still at hand?

How long will it be before im no longer weak, and hope comes back?

Im not Emo, this is just how i feel how i feel.

Fuck. I cant help but feel like my life is a complete and utter mess.

I for some reason feel that I have no direction.

No justification for my actions.

No real thought or plans for succeeding as much as I would love to.

In a sense, im just waisting my youth.

"Im lost".

Im weak.

A Public Service Announcement

Its finally safe to say, "Im lonely and sad".

Not that anyone really cares. Just thought id

put that out there.

Weak After All....

My heart is ripped and torn 
I’m broken inside
Your words are like thorns 
ripping at my soul

I see thru all of you
from the light there is darkness
and you are empty too
your just like everyone else

I’m broken beyond repair 
you’ve destroyed me

My wounds wont heal
I scream into the darkness
no emotions inside left to feel
just when I thought I could trust you

Your hate feeds me 

it makes me stronger
you think I’m weak 
but in the end you are weak

I’m broken beyond repair 

You’ve destroyed me...

I’m Broken and noone cares...

Yeah....

I hope one day down the road, our lives will cross paths again. Because I want to spend my life with you. . .

Broken Like Glass

To you i gave my heart and love,

But you tore them apart,

And broke me like glass in your feet,

Shatered my hopes of a joyfull life.

This seems to be a trend me dear, a trend 

that does not seem, to want to end.

Simple Enough?

you make it seem so easy. when whatever we had was ending, u were already starting something new. you really dont know whats its like.

fuck you, because i still feel you.

lets get fucked up this weekend. yeah awesome.

Only if it were that simple.

"Two Things"

I tell myself things that get me through my day. Two things specifically... "nothing is perfect" and "an ex is an ex for a reason". 

i tell myself these things constantly in hopes of believing it. One is to try and believe that what we had wasn't perfect and two is to believe that we really arent meant to be together. 

I hate the awkward feelings and moments when we talk on the phone or when our eyes meet. I hate the guards we put up to try and protect ourselves from eachother. Are things that bad that its this hard to even try and be friends? 

i dont know what to say... i hate this, im just hurtin'

good night.

4 Steps To a Good Life

Be optimistic.

Love Life.

Win.

Wooooot =)

No Missed calls.

Nothing bothers me more than waiting for a phone call from someone/somewhere to come through to my cell phone or house phone. Only to be dissappointed by not recieving any call in general.

Its such a sucky feeling over all to experience rather often. Oh well I shouldnt expect anything from anyone in general, because it wouldnt be fair due to the rest of the world having lives and responsibilities of thier own.

I should cut to the chase and just simply get over my self.

xoxo o.o?!

Am I Trying to Hard?

This whole idle thought of me wondering who I am has been on my mind for a long time these days. Its really weird, I sometimes wonder am I tryig to hard to different?

Is it really necessary for me to be that unique, well not to be but in other words want to stand out from the generic crowd?? I mean what over powering force is compelling, motivating and convincing me to strive to be so unique? I mean im already so far left wing, theres obivously no real return for who or what other people within our general society should percieve me as.

It seems my personality and mentality is that of an asian or cockasian (if I spelt that correctly) or so ive been told. Well I would of course agree with this fact, which is easily stated or pointed out by others. 

I mean is there something wrong with me being very different? Also the question that comes to mind is:

Am I trying to hard to be different?

Going to be a bad day...

I called in to the office to see what time I would start work only to find out that I accidentally threw out some paper work yesterday, that shouldnt have been thrown out...

Shit, I think im going to be in alot of shit when I go into work later on today around 2 p.m. Its really odd, ive been making alot of mistakes lately but this happens to be the biggest one recently. 

I wish that I had not misunderstood what my friend told me to throw out.

Especially since the paperwork that is missing belongs to a huge customer for the company that I work for. 

Damn, I dont even feel as if I want to go into work, im totally dreading the fact that everyone wil know that theres somthing wrong. Also the main fact that I am the main cause of why what is wrong.

Maybe I should quit?

+1 year to my life

Id like to hope that im becoming a better person each day, but these days there seems to be alot of room for improvement, with everything thats happening within my life. But that does not change one percise fact" I need to become a new and improved me" I want to become better than the person I was yesterday. 

I want to reach for the stars and accomplish as many of my goals as possible. My birthdays coming up rather soon ( 11 Days), I know its not that important and i don't expect anything from absolutely anyone. I usually make things up to my self by purchasing something large enough to distract me such as a : car, or an H.d t.v with ps3 video games this year.

I just hope that the one majour goal that i want to accomplish will become accomplished and completely achieved this week. Even if I am to fail i guess it would be as much as a surprise to me because I didn't attempt to accomplish it as best as I could.

Until then I believe that I can change my future, and ill keep trying to do so.

Seeing sounds >_

So I guess im blind? After all these years i thought my hearing would be worse than my vision simply because im always playing music an obsessively loud volumes at which can damage your hearing, or so people say.

So lol I need new glasses and I still havnt came to a conclusion of what kind of frames I wanna rock. I had no idea that eye wear could be such a costly thing to purchase. I have another eye doctor apppointment on thursday or i think friday, which is where i need to decide what kind of frames i want and to finally get my glasses made so that i can see properly. =)

Ill probably choose something really geeky, which will probably completely show a tiny bit of who i am. I dont want anything that is not noticable, because im not that kind of guy.

I got scammed!!

So it seems my debit card got scammed recently. Fuck, simply because its the only thing that i happen to use as much as my car keys, which i need to drive my car.

I lost about $208.00 which to some would be not alot of money. But to me its worth a large loss simply because its two days of work roughly for me.

But you know shit happens, I guess ill be more careful and not use my debit card at sketcy places such as bestbuy and Amc theater, which is where I got bonned.

Until then stay safe.

World War?

There this song called Viva La Vida by: Cold Play. For some reason the lyrics remind me of a really heated game of Risk that went down with me and a few friends not to long ago. It lasted about 2 days. Started friday night, and went all night into the morning and then into the night and late in the morning of saturday. I know, I know me and my friends are such geeks. But thats ok anyways simply because its our peaceful way of wasting our youth. 

Heres a short clip of the song. Its rather colorful and intense in fact the videos exactly how I would have imagined it to be.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=QulYSXQPC2Q

Peace not War =)

Until Next Time

So i got a text yesterday from "L" which is probably the most contact we have had with each other since i was rejected and we fell out. We spoke for a bit, and she mentioned something about having a boyfriend now. I was all happy to speak to her even though it was for a short duration of time. My mood quickly changed, I felt as if I was slapped hard in the face with reality which is why i came to the conclusion that I had wasted a large amount of my life and time with her. Even though it was rather pleasureable. She said that we could still be friends, but I already know whats going to happen being the kind of guy that I am. I'll most likely end up ignoring her completely depending on my mood, which will eventually and quickly evolve and turn into me cutting her off. Memories of the "situation" of our past burns me to the equivalent of my flesh being touched with a searing hot iron. WIth the intent of branding my very heart with dissappointment, and sorrow. 

Anyways ill continue moving on. I should have expected this from the very beggining.

Until next time, it was nice knowing you "L"

Its your Loss. =)

Craving some PHO!

Me and a close friend went out for pho yesterday, before working on my S-chasis. It was fucking awesome simply because they made the best wonton wraps ive ever eaten in my life o.o!!!. That place was bomb also becuase they give such large amounts of food for such litte $$'s.

Just go with it?

We'll see where this road I am traveling takes me. One spontaneous action can change your entire direction in life. You can either try to take it back or just go with it. I'll go with the latter, it's kind of nice to try and stick to a decision I made for once. Not having to deal with six months of cold hearted thoughts. plus the weathers fab right now.

Those Weekends - Linkin Park - Reanimation

Linkin Park - Reanimation - Ppr Kut

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mC8fAvOr_Rk&feature=related

I miss those weekends where you just dont give a fuck. Fuck your emo music and your commercialized hip hop and clam jams. This will never get old to me.

La Ritournelle

It's just one of those days. Hard to focus on anything. Hard to do anything except getting lost in what was and what could have been. Everytime I think I'm okay it seems to just hit me out of nowhere. You were mine for a long period of time and you aren't anymore. I miss hearing your voice, I miss your touch, I miss your smell, I miss your smile. I miss you. It's been almost 6 months and you still have this hold on my heart. You still have that power to make me lose my breath and leave me speechless when you walk into a room. The power to make my heart skip a beat everytime our eyes meet.

Someone said I probably just miss the feeling of having someone over really missing you. I laughed. I could have someone right now if I wanted but no one I've met has come close to being able to take your place. It's great that we are still able to be friends and it hurts that that is all we are now. People say moving on gets easier with time, how much time does it take? It's not any easier today then it was yesterday or the day before that or the day before that. I miss you my little monster.

I still feel you o.o?!

Welcome Back - Good Bye

Its been evident that it has been months ( approximately two) since I last posted anything at all here. I have a total of 11 un-posted entries, that ive decided to not post.

but that is not important, or is what i consider to be worth making an issue - well no...... a matter. The point being right now what is currently on my mind is not "L" (who i have no introduced at all yet to anyone or my thoughts or overall feelings about the ordeal that took place recently, which left me alone and heart broken
.) but "E" and how she is gone forever. the thought that ill never have contact with "E" in person or through spoken word feels odd. I called "E" yesterday, to remind her that it was "C's" birthday, only to be greeted by an operating machine - monotone type robotic voice telling me that "the number you have dialed is no longer in service"..... I paused for a moment in silence.

"E" is gone completely, forever is all i thought for a good 10 minutes or so. I decided that it would be best not to tell "Cs" or his fiance "M" simply because it wouldn't matter to either them, nor would they understand. Besides "M" would reply with apathetic opinions and remarks, about everything that happiend that happiend or could have happiend involving me and "M" as well as referring to how i was burnt by "L" and and how i am a "Damn Fool" that will never learn.

its been two minutes and this has already turned into a rather lengthy post, has not reached its overall point, or moral. "L" sent me a text message asking "hows life?" I decided not to reply after a minute or two of thought about how to answer the question at hand. After those thoughts I came to the conclusion that maybe it would be best if i did not reply at all. Maybe she was thinking of me. Or maybe she was bored.

"E" is forever gone. I never got to let her know how I truly felt about her and I. Maybe its for the overall best, well maybe for me. But I cant help, but feel that she felt the same way I did about her......something seems to be silently suggesting that, im not sure of where its coming from or why.

I wanted to be with "L" as much as "E" but theres no point at all dwelling on those thoughts, of what if? or maybe in the future. Those possibilities never come at all, well not in this life time. Maybe im just wishful thinking. Need is important, want is dangerous.

I still feel you.

Who am I?

I know who I am.

I am your narrator, your navigator, your story teller. For anyone else and those two, my identity may be of no interest, but I am the old world's runner-up, the best dresser that died like a dog, Aljumanine Gayle. I once called myself A.J and was addressed by that name, but that was a long time ago.

Good Memories and Nightmares.

Cut Deep Like Surgery

For some reason Ive been avoiding having to make a post for the last two or three days. It fucking sucks how things are now with the current "situation" at hand. Every things slowly blowing up in my face (Insert Explosive sound here) day by day life's spiraling downwards. Im disappointed in myself for the first time in a while, because I disappointed someone really important, and was disappointed in someone who I feel is also important, but not as important as the one who is disappointed in my wrongful actions.

I did something stupid and unthinkable, Im guilty of disclosing info that shouldn't EVER have been disclosed.

How the hell or why did I even have a conflict of interest in the first place, based upon the fact that the two relationships that I have with those two important people are on an entirely different scale. One relationship being my big brother, the other one being the one im currently "feelin". Talk about mad conflict of interest, the feeling of being wrong burns like a be sting or hitting your small toe on a solid hard object.

It sucks because I was completely wrong, and also the fact that I feel as if I was slapped in the face a billion times, sucks. She sold me out, so easily and quickly. I guess thats what I get for choosing the wrong option within the phrase "Bro's over Hoe's"

For that very fact, I'll do my self a favor and come clean, I'll release myself. I'll do what I've been meaning to do for the longest while. Ill Tell her how I feel about her, as well as how I feel about how she sold me out so easily. Not that, it matters that I was sold out by her, simply because of the general fact that it was indeed my fault overall for being blind and disclosing such precious information to another person, well especially her when I was not supposed to. It wont happen again. In this dire situation I blindly betrayed someone really important, and was betrayed by someone who I feel is important to me. What a Slap in the face.

So it seems that all I can do within this situation is simply accept the fact that "I am" wrong.

I feel really odd right now, I know exactly what the overall outcome will be when I tell her how I feel about her, and as well as how its going to hurt after she blows my brains out. I feel as "dead" somewhat emotionless for the time being simply because of all the betrayals that occurred.

Seems like im looking for "Comfort In Pain"

Idle Thoughts .....

I was walking up a high flight of stairs today to my Real Estate 2 class, and saw someone who looked strikingly similar to you. My heart skipped a beat, I stared at her in shock/excitement. Then I realized it wasn't you, she had brown eyes not green, and she was shorter than you. It was depressing how I for some reason became all excited and overall happy, with the idle thought of that person being you, who looked beautiful and really similar to how you look in person.

I sat on the third floor at table with my laptop in front of me , the sun light from outside was shining brightly through the glass ceilings that were above. I was located not to far from where I had saw your gorgeous look-a-like, and some how reflected about how brutal the past three weeks have been for me for two reasons. 1) school had been at its all time stressful peak, and 2) you were somewhat M.I.A, due to being preoccupied with education as well. How selfish of me for wanting your attention and time, especially since the fact of how little free time you had for me was limited, to almost none.

Things slowly seem to be getting better lately, schools coming to a quick and swift end, of my second semester. I'm just counting down the days until its inevitable end overall, and ill be free from all this educational stressing environment.

Lately Ive, well Ive been missing you. Its odd, it really is for me to feel that or even say something of that sort. We were never together in a relationship, or had a relationship of that sort involving affection on that level at all. Its a complete and utter shame because I was getting back control over those feelings that dominated my mind and heart, which I still do have for you. "Un Dying Love" is what I call it.

Ill tell you about how I truly feel soon, I promise. It's the only way that ill ever be able to find peace, as well as rest from all of this emotionally. Its rather imperative that no matter what the outcome of how you feel about me as well causing wishful thinking to occur ("hopefully just maybe one chance in a million that you will feel the same way about me")

Keep Your Enemies Close In Your (Heart) Sight.

So, I was awaken yesterday by a phone call from "So", we spoke for the first time a real while, and I was able to ease what was on my mind mostly about how shitty of a weak ive been having.

I'm feeling a bit better at the moment so it seems, even though im still faced with two relatively intense problems, one of which I will deal with later on today, and the other which will deal with itself tomorrow through the course of the day.

Yesterday, I found out that someone who I thought was my complete friend, who I will refer to as "M" was not completely my friend. It was brought to my attention that, "M" found me to be a threat. "M" completely changed once they found out that what they wanted to receive from "So" was not going to be offered anymore. "M"s personality and attitudes towards me and another quickly changed, to bitterness.

Which is completely and utterly wrong considering the fact that we were all friends, in the very begging. I Guess my best friend was right when he said

at "so" your all competition, whether you like that fact or not. They are all waiting for you to slip up and fall, the moment the opportunity presents itself for them to screw you, they'll take it, manipulate it and use it until its utmost completeness.

He's usually right about things that are based on matters of this type. Shit hes usually always right about what ever it is that he says, which is why im thankful for his presence, and wisdom within my life.

I've come to the conclusion that everyone that gets ultra close isn't doing it because they want to become friends, its because they could possibly be your enemy, as well as their ultimate goal is t to keep you close and within their sights, seeing as how your nothing but a threat, to their well being.

All Falls Down..............

Who would of tho0ught, I mean who would have thought that it was so easy, this easy to completely ruin someones life works or work with such a simple selfish alienated, act of ones incompetent, childish, immature, behavior.

With that one act, all falls down, everything worked hard was completely destroyed, and relationships were broken. I've spent nearly two years, almost two whole years working towards that goal. Attempting to obtain a "spot" within "So" and this was accomplished soley by working hard academically for hours and hours on end with that one goal in the back of my mind unconsciously pushing me further, and further academically, motivating my every move and thoughts about the working world. When I finally came to that goal, I had accomplished obtaining a spot in "So", which is one of my lifes goals of course.

This was so easily and quickly taken away due to someones' ignorance. Now what? ive been left completely with nothing to show for my two years of academic achievement within the last two weeks of school. Who the hell cares about grades being high? Obtaining a spot within places of prestige is obviously more important within the working world. Having A's or a million A+'s wont pay for your mortgage, feed your family, fix your car when it breaks, or purchase you the latest consumer items to satisfy materialistic needs.

My situation sucks, its very grim for me of course but they are not even close, not for a second close, to the situation of "So" who's spent a large portion of his/her life dedicated to building those hard to establish relationships that were broken or damaged heavily, resulting in the current situation or matter.

I feel completely bad, for even attempting to contact any of my colleagues (Nakanama) to tell them about my situation or what happened. When it comes down to it at the end of the day its my problem, my situation and not theirs. I called "So" left a message saying for "So" to call me explaining how the day was a the "worst" (worst day of my life continued from the previous day) and a loss, as well as how I needed someone to talk to.

Sadly, there was no reply in the form of a call back which made me realize that I'm a weak fool for even attempting to show defeat, or weakness to someone of that importance. That resounding fact doesn't hurt me at all, "I got what I deserved" in a sense I jumped into the belly of the beast that I've been avoiding with stylish, suave swagger to not be consumed, which would result in the memory of a "Hero" that could.

Either voices would be really good right now for me. The first one, who's voice speaks nothing but about never giving up, constantly motivating me to move forward, and leaving failures in the past. The biggest motivational support source I know of within my life currently, and then theres "So" who's voice is just soothing and is a form of release, self gratifying content. Well theres only two weeks left of school, I guess all I can do is "Soldier it out" and work as hard as I can, even though my main goal was completely devoured by an un-defeat able beast. which was summoned by the last boss.

For all the longing in the world will not bring back those relationships or my employment at "So" I cant help but feel bitter for a while, the pain and defeat is still too sharp, raw and the sting is way too fresh.

All gone..... in one shot.

I feel absolutely horrible right now. Not exactly the highest point in my life at the moment. I failed by far one of the biggest exams that I have ever completed in College (worth %40). I feel like utter shit, trash, scum, dirt, lowest scum walking on earth.

Or i feel like one of those people who you hear about constantly succeeding, only to find out that they disappear one day without a single trace, not a word, not a single good bye. Location unknown to the rest of humanity. At the moment right now. To be completely honest to myself and others, I feel completely depressed. How could I have studied so hard, I looked deep into my soul. How could I have let myself suffer so thoughtlessly. Lack of sleep, lack of food consumption, lack of interaction with nakanama ( colleagues - the ones I love). How could I have made myself suffer, in preparation for this insanely difficult examination.

This deep forever burning feeling of failure hurts more than seeing the one your in love with, be with someone else.

I feel so completely worthless, I feel like nothing. I feel empty. I feel as if I've failed everyone that looks up to me ( if there is any) I feel like I've failed all of those who believe in me, and that I will become successful. I feel like I've failed that law firm that I've had my eyes set on since day one (which I still currently work at).

Will they still want me to stay employed their, if i am to fail a course. Will I still be accepted by those who see me as intelligent if they find out that I failed, crumbled, was defeated, by a mere test?.

I hope the answers to all those questions come quickly to me. For the time being, I feel like I have nothing to lose.

Everything has been completely lost. I've lost this battle thus far, will I win the war?

Still on my brain....

Things recently well, not recently but yesterday things slowly set into place or well took a turn that was good. I fixed a major error with something in particular, studied hard and focused.

But where are you? your still missing. Or well im wrong for saying your missing my dear, you just don't want to be found. It's come to my conclusion that if you wanted to get a hold of me you would easily do so, just like the many times before. Or maybe im just over reacting, you could easily be busy like the rest of humanity.

Behind hidden screams no one can hear the pain of my heart tearing when I'm not with you, I seem to disappear and hide in the shadows. Its safe to say im honestly longing for you but nobody knows, or well i attempt as best as possible to not display these feelings publicly at all as well as not bringing them to anyones attention through conversation. Or oddly enough how my heart is breaking, forcing me into the thoughtless process of looking into my memory for a picture or image of how beautiful you are from many various events. Where are you these days?

I never got the chance to tell you how I felt, nor am i sure if I will be able to tell you how I feel you. I guess you just didn't realize just how you make my heart melt so easily when were alone - "Will I get eaten Alive"? is a really good question that lingers in the air like cigarette smoke. It seems like im being consumed by strong feelings that I've been attempting to avoid, for the longest while. No of course im not expecting anything at all, and it would be completely wrong for me to do so, based upon the circumstances of the "situation". Or maybe im sadly looking for my heart to be completely and utterly broken into millions of unrepairable pieces. Is it way too late now cause you seem to be gone?

I sit alone waiting for an answer to magically appear in front of me, how childish. I usually have my cell on me - I get excited when someone calls only to be sadly disappointed that the person calling isn't even you. I don't want to call you anymore, or leave messages. I need you to stay, I don't want you to leave. I want to be with you, make you happy, make you smile, but I cant help but feel that the opportunity for that to happen will never present itself. I'm heavily distracted by the current "situation" Like I said before and will now say once again for the sake of stressing these two commonly, and easily confused perceptions:

Need is important.

Want is dangerous.

"I still feel you".

Bad Boys get Good Girls - and a Not So Happy Ending...

Allot of thoughts have been clouding my mind lately about having your feelings not recognized at all what so ever by someone who care for. These thoughts had erupted into my mind after having a lengthy conversation with a co-worker who had recently experienced something similar to what I had experienced a while ago. Below is a basic story type scenario of what happens all the throughout our modern day society.

Its your typical scenario, Boy meets girl - ends up becoming friends and slowly falls for girl. Girl not knowing that Boy is falling for Girl goes out and falls for Bad Boy. Boy acts as a good friend to Girl and loyally stays at girls side as support unconditionally. Boy endures the relentless feelings of unrequited love, how unfortunate for him to be stuck in this situation of grim catastrophe. Girl gets heart broken, over and over and over again repeatedly by bad boy. Girl gets cheated on, used, and emotionally damaged by Bad Boy. Boy is there to pick girl up (every single fucking time) when she gets dumped by Bad Boy.

Boy waits silently hoping Girl will notice his efforts to make her as happy as he can, and how special she is to him (Unconditionally) as well as how she will forever have a place in her heart eternally.

Girl finally gets the courage and strength to finally leave Bad boy alone for good, due to the supporting advice from Boy: who of course tells her how she deserve so much better than what she was enduring in that relationship. Girl Leaves Bad boy completely, to only decide shes lonely and single.

Girl then goes out on a search for another Bad boy. Complains over and over and over again about how she wants a good Boy, that will treat her properly. Boy stays silent, with shock.

But one day, Boy decided that he should let go and move on towards bigger and better things in the future. For he had realized that no matter how much he would love her, she would not take notice of his efforts to make her happy. Boy left Girls life, and cut her off to pursue other interests.

Girl searched for days, weeks, months, and couldn't find a Boy. Bad Guy after Bad Guy. She searched for Boy so that she could complain to him repeatedly, but he was no where to be found. Where was the Good Boy she had decided was her best friend, who had been there for her unconditionally for a long period of time.

For what she needed, was him that whole very time, she had been searching. After she realized that he was what she wanted she searched for him. But to bad for her it was entirely to late, because he had moved on completely, and had became focused with high levels of achievements a girlfriend that had noticed how different he was from other Boys. As opposed to being a Bad Boy.

Girl was and now is still filed with nothing but regret and sorrow. Feelings of emotion which she rightfully deserves for being so blind of what was in front of her for such a long, long, time. Which is now completely and eternally gone forevermore.

The tables have turned, and unrequited love starts its relentless cycle all over again.

Whats the morale of this story, you ask?? Don't FALL for TNA pant wearing/bag toting boy hoping hoes, they'll simply ignore you due to their lust of abuse, which they chase after in all shapes and forms, when they decide that they want to THE ONE to change a Bad Boy and show him LOVE.

When All Efforts Are In Vain

Please don't tell me, I don't want to know, let me be happy and pretend.

please! Don't kill the dream which will result in the tragic event of making the happiness end.

I know you'll never love me, I know deep down in my heart that's true. unfortunately know theres someone out there much better suited for you. But I want to love you, and it's remotely sad but for me but deeply true. I can love you though but solely and deeply accept and affirm that I can't have you.

After doing a little bit of looking deep into ones self.
The realization of Unrequited love strikes deadly and leaves one feeling emotionally damaged, and sycophantically distraught.

I just find it very difficult to understand as to why no matter how much your there for someone you and want love. Of course obviously want to be with, will be completely oblivious of that very fact, that your exactly who they've been searching for to make them happy. As well as the extent that your will to go to give them everything and anything, in order to keep a smile on their face.

"All Efforts Are In Vain"

Not a Day to Soon.

So it seems that I haven't been very consistent with my posts lately. My thoughts and feelings seem to be preoccupied with the notion of seeking the utmost attention of a person of high importance. The killer thing is about this whole heart wrenching epidemic is the fact that, this important person hasn't even been M.I.A. for that long.

Bleh, how can i give my self to you, if you hide.

How can i be so easily killing my self for the attention of one who doesn't have time to give it to me?
Oh well, only time will be able to tell, with the month of march coming to a quick close, and April not to far away. The want or well the need for some drastic action to take place has increased ten fold over these passing days.

Hear silent, I will remain counting down the days till that Hall-marked day of action.

Fiending.....

Have I got it bad? No, its alot different than that feeling of awkward which makes you feel like an incomplete being.

Who knows? It could easily be that a fiend for a fuck has a small useless presence. I feel like I'm running out of time. Waiting till the time seems right, or for the circumstances to take a drastic change in my favor, to increase the friendship and relationship that I want to be present. Next week might decide my fate and the cards can only tell so much of our faith. I feel like I have to be bold.

I feel like I have to do or say something drastic, something bold that will make you change your mind, something that will make you gain interest in me.

But I stay here in this hopeless bound to fail situation. Yes I stay here, watching from a distance: fiending for your attention, affection and time.

looking for an escape from "A Quick Fiend".

Romantics Always Die First....

Falling, falling, falling, ah. The desolate feeling of falling. Baby where are you? heh,your somewhere else, catching someone else who's falling for you? It's destitute cavalry that has me doing shit, that I wouldn't normally do for anyone except for under these pretenses. In fact these feelings compel me and control me to the point that I'd do almost anything, actually anything that would make her happy, smile, or be appreciative. This sounds really nice, being a tragic hero but in reality I'm just a psychologically/emotionally damaged-romanticle, that dies endlessly for your affection, your love.


Im just torturing myself, for the mere satisfaction of the chase.

Forever more I am A

"Dying Breed".

"A Poem?"

Writing a Poem, fuck that seems difficult something for which you need emotion. But what type is needed?; is it love, happiness, or depression? Or… something else? Or simply the need to write?

What is it really that you need to write a poem? What the fuck compels one to spill their heart, emotions, soul, and inner most deep thoughts out in written text? Is it a lost love, a new found love, or just love itself?, fuck I don't know. I'm clueless as always.?

How about a new car or a fixed car, puppy, or just any other simple material- or method of temporary happiness?

Heres a question thats been lingering in my mind. Do you need a back stabbing best friend, a death, or depression, love, to feel the need for expressing ones true thoughts - that are hidden due to the consumption of them through fear, and loneliness.?

So let me ask you a question, just one. What is it we need to write.....

"A poem?"

"Maybe Some Day"

So it seems I've taken it upon myself to look after myself-thoughtlessly, I came to the quick conclusion that she would never want to cause me sorrow- lead me on- or pain of any sort. Shes made it more than clear I assume, that the feelings I have will not be returned or shared.

Why shouldn't I follow the way my heart feels & leads me, If it would make me & my heart happy, possibly her as well? I'm in doubt, Im not dumb..If I let my heart be happy then it will sooner or later be broken into a million pieces?

To exchange conversations and thoughts now in person over some coffee, tea - at a local Star Bucks or at Chapters would be a very good continuation of a friendship, but its not like the possibility of that to happen would present itself right? Not now, Not for a while.

"Maybe Some Day"

"Made Movements To Slow"

The fear. Consuming fear and self-denial. A dream of compassionate love - a high school type of- fantasy - crushed by the vise of injustice for self, by society. I can’t give myself to you if you hide.

Can two people know each other in darkness? Can a heart survive the cruel coldness of loneliness?

Kiss me. (I know it won’t ever happen) Dream of me - of us. Kill the fear of damnation and the illusions of loneliness within my heart - Lady.

It is over and you are gone. The new School year has started. I always held on too loosely, never tried hard enough. I needed your hands, your touch, your voice - blunt, but honest - cool and penetrating, yet soothing.

I needed to make movements and fast - If I wanted to ever get close to you - or even be with you - but needless to say sadly plans easily change and so have you…

Tell me everything is all okay - love me, like me from wherever you are. More importantly, be my friend - remind me of who I wanted during that blazing hot summer of last, and why I wanted to be with you.

"Need is important"

"Want is dangerous" - I still feel you.

"Fire"

This road that I walk Can be like no other;
Its colored with my choices that I make. With my hopes & dreams within grasp, it will be What I make it.

It has no graves but definitely unforgettable memories of ones I have loved & lost - not lost but let slip away. These people as well as those who have helped me to become Who I am, a compassionate being, with A strong determined mind. A willing hand to exact change.

Though dark clouds may attempt to haunt me And I may fall from time to time. I won’t let them win. I will fight for my unknown future and I will proudly live this futile existence within humanity, because I feel nothing but "Fire"

" Burning Hotter than the Sun Baby "

Fires only dangerous until you get burned, and that fire I shall be. Burning, Blazing, Melting.

Until then fuel me with your distastes, and destructive remarks - like oil to a fire. "don't get third degree burns"