Welcome Back - Good Bye

Its been evident that it has been months ( approximately two) since I last posted anything at all here. I have a total of 11 un-posted entries, that ive decided to not post.

but that is not important, or is what i consider to be worth making an issue - well no...... a matter. The point being right now what is currently on my mind is not "L" (who i have no introduced at all yet to anyone or my thoughts or overall feelings about the ordeal that took place recently, which left me alone and heart broken
.) but "E" and how she is gone forever. the thought that ill never have contact with "E" in person or through spoken word feels odd. I called "E" yesterday, to remind her that it was "C's" birthday, only to be greeted by an operating machine - monotone type robotic voice telling me that "the number you have dialed is no longer in service"..... I paused for a moment in silence.

"E" is gone completely, forever is all i thought for a good 10 minutes or so. I decided that it would be best not to tell "Cs" or his fiance "M" simply because it wouldn't matter to either them, nor would they understand. Besides "M" would reply with apathetic opinions and remarks, about everything that happiend that happiend or could have happiend involving me and "M" as well as referring to how i was burnt by "L" and and how i am a "Damn Fool" that will never learn.

its been two minutes and this has already turned into a rather lengthy post, has not reached its overall point, or moral. "L" sent me a text message asking "hows life?" I decided not to reply after a minute or two of thought about how to answer the question at hand. After those thoughts I came to the conclusion that maybe it would be best if i did not reply at all. Maybe she was thinking of me. Or maybe she was bored.

"E" is forever gone. I never got to let her know how I truly felt about her and I. Maybe its for the overall best, well maybe for me. But I cant help, but feel that she felt the same way I did about her......something seems to be silently suggesting that, im not sure of where its coming from or why.

I wanted to be with "L" as much as "E" but theres no point at all dwelling on those thoughts, of what if? or maybe in the future. Those possibilities never come at all, well not in this life time. Maybe im just wishful thinking. Need is important, want is dangerous.

I still feel you.