I feel absolutely horrible right now. Not exactly the highest point in my life at the moment. I failed by far one of the biggest exams that I have ever completed in College (worth %40). I feel like utter shit, trash, scum, dirt, lowest scum walking on earth.
Or i feel like one of those people who you hear about constantly succeeding, only to find out that they disappear one day without a single trace, not a word, not a single good bye. Location unknown to the rest of humanity. At the moment right now. To be completely honest to myself and others, I feel completely depressed. How could I have studied so hard, I looked deep into my soul. How could I have let myself suffer so thoughtlessly. Lack of sleep, lack of food consumption, lack of interaction with nakanama ( colleagues - the ones I love). How could I have made myself suffer, in preparation for this insanely difficult examination.
This deep forever burning feeling of failure hurts more than seeing the one your in love with, be with someone else.
I feel so completely worthless, I feel like nothing. I feel empty. I feel as if I've failed everyone that looks up to me ( if there is any) I feel like I've failed all of those who believe in me, and that I will become successful. I feel like I've failed that law firm that I've had my eyes set on since day one (which I still currently work at).
Will they still want me to stay employed their, if i am to fail a course. Will I still be accepted by those who see me as intelligent if they find out that I failed, crumbled, was defeated, by a mere test?.
I hope the answers to all those questions come quickly to me. For the time being, I feel like I have nothing to lose.
Everything has been completely lost. I've lost this battle thus far, will I win the war?
No comments:
Post a Comment