Cut Deep Like Surgery

For some reason Ive been avoiding having to make a post for the last two or three days. It fucking sucks how things are now with the current "situation" at hand. Every things slowly blowing up in my face (Insert Explosive sound here) day by day life's spiraling downwards. Im disappointed in myself for the first time in a while, because I disappointed someone really important, and was disappointed in someone who I feel is also important, but not as important as the one who is disappointed in my wrongful actions.

I did something stupid and unthinkable, Im guilty of disclosing info that shouldn't EVER have been disclosed.

How the hell or why did I even have a conflict of interest in the first place, based upon the fact that the two relationships that I have with those two important people are on an entirely different scale. One relationship being my big brother, the other one being the one im currently "feelin". Talk about mad conflict of interest, the feeling of being wrong burns like a be sting or hitting your small toe on a solid hard object.

It sucks because I was completely wrong, and also the fact that I feel as if I was slapped in the face a billion times, sucks. She sold me out, so easily and quickly. I guess thats what I get for choosing the wrong option within the phrase "Bro's over Hoe's"

For that very fact, I'll do my self a favor and come clean, I'll release myself. I'll do what I've been meaning to do for the longest while. Ill Tell her how I feel about her, as well as how I feel about how she sold me out so easily. Not that, it matters that I was sold out by her, simply because of the general fact that it was indeed my fault overall for being blind and disclosing such precious information to another person, well especially her when I was not supposed to. It wont happen again. In this dire situation I blindly betrayed someone really important, and was betrayed by someone who I feel is important to me. What a Slap in the face.

So it seems that all I can do within this situation is simply accept the fact that "I am" wrong.

I feel really odd right now, I know exactly what the overall outcome will be when I tell her how I feel about her, and as well as how its going to hurt after she blows my brains out. I feel as "dead" somewhat emotionless for the time being simply because of all the betrayals that occurred.

Seems like im looking for "Comfort In Pain"

Idle Thoughts .....

I was walking up a high flight of stairs today to my Real Estate 2 class, and saw someone who looked strikingly similar to you. My heart skipped a beat, I stared at her in shock/excitement. Then I realized it wasn't you, she had brown eyes not green, and she was shorter than you. It was depressing how I for some reason became all excited and overall happy, with the idle thought of that person being you, who looked beautiful and really similar to how you look in person.

I sat on the third floor at table with my laptop in front of me , the sun light from outside was shining brightly through the glass ceilings that were above. I was located not to far from where I had saw your gorgeous look-a-like, and some how reflected about how brutal the past three weeks have been for me for two reasons. 1) school had been at its all time stressful peak, and 2) you were somewhat M.I.A, due to being preoccupied with education as well. How selfish of me for wanting your attention and time, especially since the fact of how little free time you had for me was limited, to almost none.

Things slowly seem to be getting better lately, schools coming to a quick and swift end, of my second semester. I'm just counting down the days until its inevitable end overall, and ill be free from all this educational stressing environment.

Lately Ive, well Ive been missing you. Its odd, it really is for me to feel that or even say something of that sort. We were never together in a relationship, or had a relationship of that sort involving affection on that level at all. Its a complete and utter shame because I was getting back control over those feelings that dominated my mind and heart, which I still do have for you. "Un Dying Love" is what I call it.

Ill tell you about how I truly feel soon, I promise. It's the only way that ill ever be able to find peace, as well as rest from all of this emotionally. Its rather imperative that no matter what the outcome of how you feel about me as well causing wishful thinking to occur ("hopefully just maybe one chance in a million that you will feel the same way about me")

Keep Your Enemies Close In Your (Heart) Sight.

So, I was awaken yesterday by a phone call from "So", we spoke for the first time a real while, and I was able to ease what was on my mind mostly about how shitty of a weak ive been having.

I'm feeling a bit better at the moment so it seems, even though im still faced with two relatively intense problems, one of which I will deal with later on today, and the other which will deal with itself tomorrow through the course of the day.

Yesterday, I found out that someone who I thought was my complete friend, who I will refer to as "M" was not completely my friend. It was brought to my attention that, "M" found me to be a threat. "M" completely changed once they found out that what they wanted to receive from "So" was not going to be offered anymore. "M"s personality and attitudes towards me and another quickly changed, to bitterness.

Which is completely and utterly wrong considering the fact that we were all friends, in the very begging. I Guess my best friend was right when he said

at "so" your all competition, whether you like that fact or not. They are all waiting for you to slip up and fall, the moment the opportunity presents itself for them to screw you, they'll take it, manipulate it and use it until its utmost completeness.

He's usually right about things that are based on matters of this type. Shit hes usually always right about what ever it is that he says, which is why im thankful for his presence, and wisdom within my life.

I've come to the conclusion that everyone that gets ultra close isn't doing it because they want to become friends, its because they could possibly be your enemy, as well as their ultimate goal is t to keep you close and within their sights, seeing as how your nothing but a threat, to their well being.

All Falls Down..............

Who would of tho0ught, I mean who would have thought that it was so easy, this easy to completely ruin someones life works or work with such a simple selfish alienated, act of ones incompetent, childish, immature, behavior.

With that one act, all falls down, everything worked hard was completely destroyed, and relationships were broken. I've spent nearly two years, almost two whole years working towards that goal. Attempting to obtain a "spot" within "So" and this was accomplished soley by working hard academically for hours and hours on end with that one goal in the back of my mind unconsciously pushing me further, and further academically, motivating my every move and thoughts about the working world. When I finally came to that goal, I had accomplished obtaining a spot in "So", which is one of my lifes goals of course.

This was so easily and quickly taken away due to someones' ignorance. Now what? ive been left completely with nothing to show for my two years of academic achievement within the last two weeks of school. Who the hell cares about grades being high? Obtaining a spot within places of prestige is obviously more important within the working world. Having A's or a million A+'s wont pay for your mortgage, feed your family, fix your car when it breaks, or purchase you the latest consumer items to satisfy materialistic needs.

My situation sucks, its very grim for me of course but they are not even close, not for a second close, to the situation of "So" who's spent a large portion of his/her life dedicated to building those hard to establish relationships that were broken or damaged heavily, resulting in the current situation or matter.

I feel completely bad, for even attempting to contact any of my colleagues (Nakanama) to tell them about my situation or what happened. When it comes down to it at the end of the day its my problem, my situation and not theirs. I called "So" left a message saying for "So" to call me explaining how the day was a the "worst" (worst day of my life continued from the previous day) and a loss, as well as how I needed someone to talk to.

Sadly, there was no reply in the form of a call back which made me realize that I'm a weak fool for even attempting to show defeat, or weakness to someone of that importance. That resounding fact doesn't hurt me at all, "I got what I deserved" in a sense I jumped into the belly of the beast that I've been avoiding with stylish, suave swagger to not be consumed, which would result in the memory of a "Hero" that could.

Either voices would be really good right now for me. The first one, who's voice speaks nothing but about never giving up, constantly motivating me to move forward, and leaving failures in the past. The biggest motivational support source I know of within my life currently, and then theres "So" who's voice is just soothing and is a form of release, self gratifying content. Well theres only two weeks left of school, I guess all I can do is "Soldier it out" and work as hard as I can, even though my main goal was completely devoured by an un-defeat able beast. which was summoned by the last boss.

For all the longing in the world will not bring back those relationships or my employment at "So" I cant help but feel bitter for a while, the pain and defeat is still too sharp, raw and the sting is way too fresh.