All gone..... in one shot.

I feel absolutely horrible right now. Not exactly the highest point in my life at the moment. I failed by far one of the biggest exams that I have ever completed in College (worth %40). I feel like utter shit, trash, scum, dirt, lowest scum walking on earth.

Or i feel like one of those people who you hear about constantly succeeding, only to find out that they disappear one day without a single trace, not a word, not a single good bye. Location unknown to the rest of humanity. At the moment right now. To be completely honest to myself and others, I feel completely depressed. How could I have studied so hard, I looked deep into my soul. How could I have let myself suffer so thoughtlessly. Lack of sleep, lack of food consumption, lack of interaction with nakanama ( colleagues - the ones I love). How could I have made myself suffer, in preparation for this insanely difficult examination.

This deep forever burning feeling of failure hurts more than seeing the one your in love with, be with someone else.

I feel so completely worthless, I feel like nothing. I feel empty. I feel as if I've failed everyone that looks up to me ( if there is any) I feel like I've failed all of those who believe in me, and that I will become successful. I feel like I've failed that law firm that I've had my eyes set on since day one (which I still currently work at).

Will they still want me to stay employed their, if i am to fail a course. Will I still be accepted by those who see me as intelligent if they find out that I failed, crumbled, was defeated, by a mere test?.

I hope the answers to all those questions come quickly to me. For the time being, I feel like I have nothing to lose.

Everything has been completely lost. I've lost this battle thus far, will I win the war?

Still on my brain....

Things recently well, not recently but yesterday things slowly set into place or well took a turn that was good. I fixed a major error with something in particular, studied hard and focused.

But where are you? your still missing. Or well im wrong for saying your missing my dear, you just don't want to be found. It's come to my conclusion that if you wanted to get a hold of me you would easily do so, just like the many times before. Or maybe im just over reacting, you could easily be busy like the rest of humanity.

Behind hidden screams no one can hear the pain of my heart tearing when I'm not with you, I seem to disappear and hide in the shadows. Its safe to say im honestly longing for you but nobody knows, or well i attempt as best as possible to not display these feelings publicly at all as well as not bringing them to anyones attention through conversation. Or oddly enough how my heart is breaking, forcing me into the thoughtless process of looking into my memory for a picture or image of how beautiful you are from many various events. Where are you these days?

I never got the chance to tell you how I felt, nor am i sure if I will be able to tell you how I feel you. I guess you just didn't realize just how you make my heart melt so easily when were alone - "Will I get eaten Alive"? is a really good question that lingers in the air like cigarette smoke. It seems like im being consumed by strong feelings that I've been attempting to avoid, for the longest while. No of course im not expecting anything at all, and it would be completely wrong for me to do so, based upon the circumstances of the "situation". Or maybe im sadly looking for my heart to be completely and utterly broken into millions of unrepairable pieces. Is it way too late now cause you seem to be gone?

I sit alone waiting for an answer to magically appear in front of me, how childish. I usually have my cell on me - I get excited when someone calls only to be sadly disappointed that the person calling isn't even you. I don't want to call you anymore, or leave messages. I need you to stay, I don't want you to leave. I want to be with you, make you happy, make you smile, but I cant help but feel that the opportunity for that to happen will never present itself. I'm heavily distracted by the current "situation" Like I said before and will now say once again for the sake of stressing these two commonly, and easily confused perceptions:

Need is important.

Want is dangerous.

"I still feel you".

Bad Boys get Good Girls - and a Not So Happy Ending...

Allot of thoughts have been clouding my mind lately about having your feelings not recognized at all what so ever by someone who care for. These thoughts had erupted into my mind after having a lengthy conversation with a co-worker who had recently experienced something similar to what I had experienced a while ago. Below is a basic story type scenario of what happens all the throughout our modern day society.

Its your typical scenario, Boy meets girl - ends up becoming friends and slowly falls for girl. Girl not knowing that Boy is falling for Girl goes out and falls for Bad Boy. Boy acts as a good friend to Girl and loyally stays at girls side as support unconditionally. Boy endures the relentless feelings of unrequited love, how unfortunate for him to be stuck in this situation of grim catastrophe. Girl gets heart broken, over and over and over again repeatedly by bad boy. Girl gets cheated on, used, and emotionally damaged by Bad Boy. Boy is there to pick girl up (every single fucking time) when she gets dumped by Bad Boy.

Boy waits silently hoping Girl will notice his efforts to make her as happy as he can, and how special she is to him (Unconditionally) as well as how she will forever have a place in her heart eternally.

Girl finally gets the courage and strength to finally leave Bad boy alone for good, due to the supporting advice from Boy: who of course tells her how she deserve so much better than what she was enduring in that relationship. Girl Leaves Bad boy completely, to only decide shes lonely and single.

Girl then goes out on a search for another Bad boy. Complains over and over and over again about how she wants a good Boy, that will treat her properly. Boy stays silent, with shock.

But one day, Boy decided that he should let go and move on towards bigger and better things in the future. For he had realized that no matter how much he would love her, she would not take notice of his efforts to make her happy. Boy left Girls life, and cut her off to pursue other interests.

Girl searched for days, weeks, months, and couldn't find a Boy. Bad Guy after Bad Guy. She searched for Boy so that she could complain to him repeatedly, but he was no where to be found. Where was the Good Boy she had decided was her best friend, who had been there for her unconditionally for a long period of time.

For what she needed, was him that whole very time, she had been searching. After she realized that he was what she wanted she searched for him. But to bad for her it was entirely to late, because he had moved on completely, and had became focused with high levels of achievements a girlfriend that had noticed how different he was from other Boys. As opposed to being a Bad Boy.

Girl was and now is still filed with nothing but regret and sorrow. Feelings of emotion which she rightfully deserves for being so blind of what was in front of her for such a long, long, time. Which is now completely and eternally gone forevermore.

The tables have turned, and unrequited love starts its relentless cycle all over again.

Whats the morale of this story, you ask?? Don't FALL for TNA pant wearing/bag toting boy hoping hoes, they'll simply ignore you due to their lust of abuse, which they chase after in all shapes and forms, when they decide that they want to THE ONE to change a Bad Boy and show him LOVE.

When All Efforts Are In Vain

Please don't tell me, I don't want to know, let me be happy and pretend.

please! Don't kill the dream which will result in the tragic event of making the happiness end.

I know you'll never love me, I know deep down in my heart that's true. unfortunately know theres someone out there much better suited for you. But I want to love you, and it's remotely sad but for me but deeply true. I can love you though but solely and deeply accept and affirm that I can't have you.

After doing a little bit of looking deep into ones self.
The realization of Unrequited love strikes deadly and leaves one feeling emotionally damaged, and sycophantically distraught.

I just find it very difficult to understand as to why no matter how much your there for someone you and want love. Of course obviously want to be with, will be completely oblivious of that very fact, that your exactly who they've been searching for to make them happy. As well as the extent that your will to go to give them everything and anything, in order to keep a smile on their face.

"All Efforts Are In Vain"

Not a Day to Soon.

So it seems that I haven't been very consistent with my posts lately. My thoughts and feelings seem to be preoccupied with the notion of seeking the utmost attention of a person of high importance. The killer thing is about this whole heart wrenching epidemic is the fact that, this important person hasn't even been M.I.A. for that long.

Bleh, how can i give my self to you, if you hide.

How can i be so easily killing my self for the attention of one who doesn't have time to give it to me?
Oh well, only time will be able to tell, with the month of march coming to a quick close, and April not to far away. The want or well the need for some drastic action to take place has increased ten fold over these passing days.

Hear silent, I will remain counting down the days till that Hall-marked day of action.

Fiending.....

Have I got it bad? No, its alot different than that feeling of awkward which makes you feel like an incomplete being.

Who knows? It could easily be that a fiend for a fuck has a small useless presence. I feel like I'm running out of time. Waiting till the time seems right, or for the circumstances to take a drastic change in my favor, to increase the friendship and relationship that I want to be present. Next week might decide my fate and the cards can only tell so much of our faith. I feel like I have to be bold.

I feel like I have to do or say something drastic, something bold that will make you change your mind, something that will make you gain interest in me.

But I stay here in this hopeless bound to fail situation. Yes I stay here, watching from a distance: fiending for your attention, affection and time.

looking for an escape from "A Quick Fiend".